My lovely readers, nothing awful happened to me that day almost a month ago. I was overreacting, as per usual. I'm a very uppity person, really.
Here's the thing: I've begun putting a lot of pressure on myself to be the kind of person I THINK someone else wants me to be. The stupid thing is, this person and I aren't even really friends. I don't have his phone number, we've only hung out outside of class once, and...well, you get the picture. I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm not good enough.
I got a lot of that in high school. But in high school, the only reason I wanted to be good enough was to please my parents. I always felt like I was letting them down because I wasn't the sports kid - they desperately wanted a jock child. I see it in their eyes every time one of my cousins talks about his or her successes on the soccer or basketball or volleyball or football team. (Did I mention that the rest of my extended family is extraordinarily athletically gifted?)
Instead of that, I though I'd be the nerdy one: straight A's, high standardized test scores, thespian, Speech and Debate champion, involved in EVERYTHING. A general overachiever. Then my sporty cousins got full ride scholarships, higher test scores, and were elected presidents of their classes. I don't resent them at all. I'm very proud of them and I love them to death. I just feel a bit inadequate next to them.
I don't want to have to deal with that in college. I don't need to feel like I'm doing something wrong by being myself.
So, dear readers, that confidence I pretend like I have in myself? Kind of nonexistent. But I'm pretty convincing, no?
Here's the thing: I've begun putting a lot of pressure on myself to be the kind of person I THINK someone else wants me to be. The stupid thing is, this person and I aren't even really friends. I don't have his phone number, we've only hung out outside of class once, and...well, you get the picture. I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm not good enough.
I got a lot of that in high school. But in high school, the only reason I wanted to be good enough was to please my parents. I always felt like I was letting them down because I wasn't the sports kid - they desperately wanted a jock child. I see it in their eyes every time one of my cousins talks about his or her successes on the soccer or basketball or volleyball or football team. (Did I mention that the rest of my extended family is extraordinarily athletically gifted?)
Instead of that, I though I'd be the nerdy one: straight A's, high standardized test scores, thespian, Speech and Debate champion, involved in EVERYTHING. A general overachiever. Then my sporty cousins got full ride scholarships, higher test scores, and were elected presidents of their classes. I don't resent them at all. I'm very proud of them and I love them to death. I just feel a bit inadequate next to them.
I don't want to have to deal with that in college. I don't need to feel like I'm doing something wrong by being myself.
So, dear readers, that confidence I pretend like I have in myself? Kind of nonexistent. But I'm pretty convincing, no?
